it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
