She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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