1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
