i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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