My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he thought i was a dude.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
