I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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