my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
