Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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