my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
