she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
