I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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