if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
