Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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