Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize