Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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