woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
