Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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