laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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