seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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