Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
