yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
