I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
BRING THE BAGELS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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