im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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