dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She bit a glass in half.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
