did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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