My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
