Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
