i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
