Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
