sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
