boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
FUCK WHALES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
