if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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