dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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