my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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