Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
