This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
