Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
