dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
