everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
