then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
