No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
