I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
