I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
