There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
