Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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