i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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