I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
