wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
