I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
