Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
