Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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