someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
