i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So many bounce houses so little time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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