My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
