There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
