It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
