Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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