she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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