Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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