You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
