i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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