evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
