I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
