My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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