Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
