my phone needs a breathalizer
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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