She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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